Roaring Twenties Party Ends Early After DJ Earworm Becomes Transfixed by the Piercing Gaze of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg

The Middlebury roaring twenties themed Winter Carnival concert ended abruptly today after guest performer DJ Earworm became overwhelmed by the piercing gaze of famed oculist Dr. T.J. Eckleburg. Halfway through the performance of his hit song: ”United State of Pop 2009,” the DJ turned around to note the visuals Middlebury has selected for his performance,…

Obama Returns to Beloved Alma Mater, Middlebury

Middlebury received a pleasant surprise yesterday when celebrated alum Barack Obama ‘79.5 dropped in to visit campus to get an Even Steven at the Grille. Obama is Middlebury’s fourth most famous alum after Steven Hauschka ‘07, Rafi from the League ‘95, and the entire band known as Dispatch ‘96-’98.  “It’s good to be home,” said Obama…

Clingy Hookup Wants You to Acknowledge Their Existence in Public

According to her friends, Tess Prett ‘22 is apparently upset that Francois Fuchbois ‘21 did not acknowledge her existence when they passed each other in the Atwater dining hall last Monday morning.  Fuchbois has defeneded his actions, or lack thereof, by arguing that just because the pair had intimate, loving sex, it does not mean…

Tour Guide, Walking Backwards, Obliterated by 128 Wheeled Truck

  This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty…

Ross BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich Ruins Plans for Valentine’s Day Anal

Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch. “Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally…

Mountain Club Set to Host Social Climbing Trip

Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut.  The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance…

Vegans Upset About New Food Truck in Town

Vegan activists were outraged when a recent video went viral depicting Middlebury’s newest food truck, Moove Along, which has recently opened in the middle of Main Street. The truck, which specializes in beef tartare, joins the Taste of India as one of the only restaurants in Middlebury that serves raw meat. Animal activists are affronted…

Protestant Student Excited to Prove Work Ethic This Finals Week

In the midst of finals week, a period notorious for its overwhelming stress and seemingly endless amounts of work, one student is savoring the opportunity to let his “Protestant work ethic” shine. Citing his Episcopalian upbringing, Henry Tudor ‘22 has reportedly approached every task “with the undying passion and hardiness of a Swiss man choosing…