Middlebury Mormons Pleased to Announce Daylight Has Been Saved

After fruitless years of spreading the joy of Joseph Smith’s message around town, Middlebury’s resident Mormon duo has successfully converted their first and most important soul: Daylight. They reached Daylight on its way out of the Co-op, where it was enjoying a Sip of Sunshine IPA. The Mormon duo began to explain their worship of…

Kavanaugh Participates in Student Black-Out

Middlebury students were surprised to see Brett Kavanaugh on campus yesterday after the Supreme Court nominee misunderstood the email about the school-wide blackout and showed up with a pack of Four Lokos and a dab pen. After a quick lift with some buddies, he went on a run to Bev-Co with some underclassmen on the…

Patton’s “Timeless” Convocation Speech Found Carved into Podium

This Tuesday morning, the Introduction to Archaeology class announced their remarkable discovery of ancient carvings on the wooden podium in Mead Chapel. After consulting the Classics department, the class determined that the etches were in fact a Sanskrit transcription of President Patton’s annual convocation speech. The etchings date to 2016 A.D. circa fall orientation, when…

Econ Department Encourages Widespread Looting in Next Blackout

Community was shocked on the night before classes began when a town-wide power outage afflicted students, faculty, and residents alike. While no damages were reported, the college’s Department of Economics utilized the blackout as a lesson plan by supporting students’ efforts to loot campus. When asked his thoughts on the matter, professor Lucas Johansen said,…