Ross BBQ Beef Brisket Sandwich Ruins Plans for Valentine’s Day Anal

Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch. “Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally…

Mountain Club Set to Host Social Climbing Trip

Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut.  The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance…

Vegans Upset About New Food Truck in Town

Vegan activists were outraged when a recent video went viral depicting Middlebury’s newest food truck, Moove Along, which has recently opened in the middle of Main Street. The truck, which specializes in beef tartare, joins the Taste of India as one of the only restaurants in Middlebury that serves raw meat. Animal activists are affronted…

Protestant Student Excited to Prove Work Ethic This Finals Week

In the midst of finals week, a period notorious for its overwhelming stress and seemingly endless amounts of work, one student is savoring the opportunity to let his “Protestant work ethic” shine. Citing his Episcopalian upbringing, Henry Tudor ‘22 has reportedly approached every task “with the undying passion and hardiness of a Swiss man choosing…

CCI Hands Out Bootstraps to Seniors Struggling to Find a Job

Earlier this week, the Center for Careers and Internships became fed up with so-called “unemployable” seniors and began handing out “It’s the American fucking Dream” embossed bootstraps. This new strategy, fully funded by the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Foundation, advises seniors to find a job themselves instead of relying on Handshake to do…

Students Enjoying Annual Reminder that Everything Beautiful Will Die

With both leaves and temperatures dropping this week, students are enjoying Mother Nature’s annual autumnal reminder that everything beautiful will die. “It finally hit me that the fall trees aren’t just pretty—they’re also slowly dying in a final requiem of colorful decay. Just like me!” said Sally Naheelis ‘20.   Many students have reported grappling with…