“I Only Go to Proc,” Says Lone Senior Missing 100 Days

Loyal to his four-year stand against Ross, Jordan Gray ’19 found himself eating alone in Proctor this Saturday night as the rest of his class celebrated 100 Days in the beloved dining hall. Though Jordan claimed his ‘FOMO’ was “totally eclipsed” by the pleasures of availability in the booth room and no lines at the panini…

College Proudly Announces End of Transgender Awareness Week

Middlebury was proud to celebrate Transgender Awareness Week this year by announcing the end of inclusive bathrooms. Though the quick turnaround was met by disapproval from students, the college defended the decision by arguing that the endowment can’t maintain a $0.62 papercut poster printing expenditure any longer. Despite student disappointment with the brevity of Middlebury’s…

Patton Eliminates Bill Burger, Last Challenge to the Throne

President Patton surprised campus last week by announcing her successful deposition of the only remaining competitor with a claim to Middlebury’s presidency: Bill of House Burger. Burger, known to his friend as the Warden of Old Chapel, had allegedly been locked in a power struggle with the Empress Patton for months. His demise comes after…

J-Term Ski Classes To Now Include Tips On How To Be Born Rich

With J-term well underway, many Middlebury students are taking advantage of their relaxed schedules to visit the Snow Bowl to flex on colleges with lower tuitions across the nation. Of course, as with every winter season, there are always some on campus that have never actually learned how to ski. Luckily for them, Middlebury’s Snow…

Mother Nature Blesses Middlebury With More White Snowflakes

Last night, more white snowflakes joined the Middlebury campus as two inches of unique and fragile snow covered the campus. As predicted, the cold front was pushed up by a low pressure system in the area just outside Boston. The snowflakes hit Middlebury and immediately blended in with the whiteness on campus. Indeed, upon their…