Virtue Field House Track Converted to Runway, Students to Showcase the Covid Testing Outfits They’ve Been Planning all J-Term

Amidst a spur of changes to Middlebury’s Covid-19 policies, the administration has converted the track at the Virtue Field House into a runway to better showcase the outfits students have been planning all winter. Middlebury’s artsiest, most sylphlike students will don their most avant-garde or otherwise most flattering attire in order to make the best…

Student’s Instagram Story of Sunset Wins Pulitzer Prize

Earlier this week, Columbia University and the Pulitzer Prize Board awarded Middlebury College student Ahr Teist, 22.5, a Pulitzer Prize for their outstanding Instagram story of a campus sunset. The judges remarked that the photo, taken just outside of Proctor Dining Hall, reveals the same level of passion and composure as the Holy Bible or…

“American Democracy Will Never Die” Says Professor Who Doesn’t Vote

In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process. Students were blown away by…

Middlebury Therapy Dog Arrested For Selling Xanax

Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between…

Student Finds Loophole to “N+2 Rule,” Adds More Beds to Dorm

Socially eager freshmen aching to show off their LED strobe lights and 100 pack of Red Solo cups have had a particularly turbulent start to their semester on account of the administration’s “N+2 Rule,” restricting dorm room gathering sizes to “the number of beds in the room plus two.” To everyone’s surprise, however, Carson Howell…