The majority of Middlebury students are outraged after receiving a campus-wide email announcing the return of Charles Murray on March 31st. After ruining Middlebury’s reputation as an institution and traumatizing its students, the school decided to remind white men yet again that their success is genetic and that they’re special just like Daddy always told…

Vegan activists were outraged when a recent video went viral depicting Middlebury’s newest food truck, Moove Along, which has recently opened in the middle of Main Street. The truck, which specializes in beef tartare, joins the Taste of India as one of the only restaurants in Middlebury that serves raw meat. Animal activists are affronted…

In the midst of finals week, a period notorious for its overwhelming stress and seemingly endless amounts of work, one student is savoring the opportunity to let his “Protestant work ethic” shine. Citing his Episcopalian upbringing, Henry Tudor ‘22 has reportedly approached every task “with the undying passion and hardiness of a Swiss man choosing…

Earlier this week, the Center for Careers and Internships became fed up with so-called “unemployable” seniors and began handing out “It’s the American fucking Dream” embossed bootstraps. This new strategy, fully funded by the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Foundation, advises seniors to find a job themselves instead of relying on Handshake to do…

With both leaves and temperatures dropping this week, students are enjoying Mother Nature’s annual autumnal reminder that everything beautiful will die. “It finally hit me that the fall trees aren’t just pretty—they’re also slowly dying in a final requiem of colorful decay. Just like me!” said Sally Naheelis ‘20.   Many students have reported grappling with…

In a surprise development late last night, Middlebury administrators announced that the decades-old Commons systems will be replaced with a House of Lords. “We realize that, much like the British government, the Commons system has only served to further confuse our community over the years,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Gavina Williamson. “In that…

With flu season right around the corner, Parton Health Center announced that for one week, and one week only, they would be handing out two shots for the price of one. “Pull up your sleeves. Grab all the boys. It’s flu season baby,” said Nurse Jubilee Joy. This policy saw students who were desperately in…