Middlebury Therapy Dog Arrested For Selling Xanax

Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between…

Tortured Intellectual Publicly Brooding In Ross

With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos.  Early…

Student Who Skimmed Through New SafeCollege Trainings Unable to Answer Riddles of Marbleworks Bridge Troll

Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to handle the cunning troll that now resides under Otter Creek.  Gilfeather watched the detailed instructions on social distancing and learned the correct social script…

Middlebury Administration: “Anti-Blackness has no Place in Middlebury- Unless it is on Stage, Surrounded by Private Security, at the Heart of Academia”

Following last week’s sudden acknowledgment of the 155-year-old existence of Juneteenth, the Middlebury College Administration decided to take a radical stance by almost listening to the demands of Black students instead of just calling them eloquent and thanking them for their time. In a school-wide email, President Patton announced that the school supports being recognized…

Senior Graduates Zooma Cum Laude for Unmatched Zoom Etiquette

Earlier today, Parker Carhill ‘20 became the first Middlebury student to graduate Zooma Cum Laude, Middlebury’s highest, and newest, honor created following the inaugural remote semester. Students unanimously nominated Carhill in a Google Form, recounting stories of his royal-standard Zoom etiquette.  Friends from his History of Environmental Disasters class noted his use of thematically relevant…