Op-Ed: Sorry for showering on Battell Beach

I have been asked to issue a formal apology for taking a shower in the Battell Beach sprinkler this morning. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that being fully nude on Battell Beach at noon on a Tuesday would have gone over so poorly, and I apologize for my lack of foresight.…

URGENT: Weekly Campus Status Page Updates Leaked

The following email was intercepted by The Local Noodle on April 27th, 2021 Hello, students! It’s us, the COVID OPs Team, back at it again with another email about the Campus Status Page. We want to make sure you know how proud we are of you for complying with the COVID rules in these unprecedented…

Governor Phil Scott Bans Vaccines for All College Students Because “Those Kids Can Go Fuck Themselves”

After enduring criticism for not allowing out-of-state college students to get vaccinated, Vermont Governor and token Republican Phil “one of the good ones” Scott decided to double-down on his position and signed an executive order forbidding Covid vaccinations from going to any college student in the state. When reminded he already forbid these same students…