Recapping the 2019 Clifford Symposium

The ocean—what is it? Featuring distinguished speakers from all over the world, this year’s Clifford Symposium will address this crucial question through a set of lectures and screenings throughout the weekend.  Thursday – 9/19 12:30-1:20PM: “The Ocean is a Controlled Hallucination”  Professor Kendrick Krazee, who hails from the annals of the New York City subway system,…

Pregnancy Resource Center to Give Out Free Pregnancies at Student Activities Fair

The Pregnancy Resource Center (PRC), infamous for providing “alternative information” on birth control to trick pregnant women out of abortions, announced last week that they would be providing free pregnancies at Middlebury’s annual activities fair this Thursday.  The center’s PR director, Embree Ough announced that the pregnancies will be administered primarily by untrained professionals.  “Many…

Our Demands

Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local…

College Cancels Jesus’ Resurrection Due to Safety Concerns

In a school wide email disseminated early Sunday morning, Middlebury College administrators announced their decision to cancel the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Mr. Christ, 33, is a highly controversial Arab rabbi known primarily for the best-selling book series inspired by his spiritual wanderings in and around the Middle East. In a surprising turn of events,…