Roaring Twenties Party Ends Early After DJ Earworm Becomes Transfixed by the Piercing Gaze of Dr. T.J. Eckleburg

The Middlebury roaring twenties themed Winter Carnival concert ended abruptly today after guest performer DJ Earworm became overwhelmed by the piercing gaze of famed oculist Dr. T.J. Eckleburg. Halfway through the performance of his hit song: ”United State of Pop 2009,” the DJ turned around to note the visuals Middlebury has selected for his performance,…

Obama Returns to Beloved Alma Mater, Middlebury

Middlebury received a pleasant surprise yesterday when celebrated alum Barack Obama ‘79.5 dropped in to visit campus to get an Even Steven at the Grille. Obama is Middlebury’s fourth most famous alum after Steven Hauschka ‘07, Rafi from the League ‘95, and the entire band known as Dispatch ‘96-’98.  “It’s good to be home,” said Obama…

Clingy Hookup Wants You to Acknowledge Their Existence in Public

According to her friends, Tess Prett ‘22 is apparently upset that Francois Fuchbois ‘21 did not acknowledge her existence when they passed each other in the Atwater dining hall last Monday morning.  Fuchbois has defeneded his actions, or lack thereof, by arguing that just because the pair had intimate, loving sex, it does not mean…

Tour Guide, Walking Backwards, Obliterated by 128 Wheeled Truck

  This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty…