“American Democracy Will Never Die” Says Professor Who Doesn’t Vote

In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process. Students were blown away by…

Middlebury Therapy Dog Arrested For Selling Xanax

Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between…

Student Finds Loophole to “N+2 Rule,” Adds More Beds to Dorm

Socially eager freshmen aching to show off their LED strobe lights and 100 pack of Red Solo cups have had a particularly turbulent start to their semester on account of the administration’s “N+2 Rule,” restricting dorm room gathering sizes to “the number of beds in the room plus two.” To everyone’s surprise, however, Carson Howell…

Tortured Intellectual Publicly Brooding In Ross

With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos.  Early…