Op-Ed: Sorry for showering on Battell Beach
I have been asked to issue a formal apology for taking a shower in the Battell Beach sprinkler this morning. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that being fully nude on Battell Beach at noon on a Tuesday would have gone over so poorly, and I apologize for my lack of foresight.…
COVID-19 Reporting Dashboard Updated to Include Library Books Quarantined for No Fucking Reason
As the United States begins to finally emerge from over a year of quarantining, masking, social distancing, and shame-spiraling, the same question has been on everyone’s mind: what’s next? For most Americans, the next few months will bring significant decreases in restrictions as more and more people are vaccinated. It’s been a long, cold, lonely…
The Noodle Makes Triumphant Return to Print Form
Students across Middlebury are waking up to find that copies of their favorite satire newspaper, The Local Noodle, have been distributed across campus. Look for it in your local dining hall, or read it here!
SGA Vows “It Will Not Rest” Until All Middlebury Students Are Granted Cabinet Positions
With the United States’ midterm elections just 552 days away, Middlebury’s Student Government has seized on the campus’s newfound political enthusiasm by promising that every single student will be given a cabinet position in the rising administration by the beginning of next semester. This surprise initiative began this morning, and is the brainchild of SGA’s…
URGENT: Weekly Campus Status Page Updates Leaked
The following email was intercepted by The Local Noodle on April 27th, 2021 Hello, students! It’s us, the COVID OPs Team, back at it again with another email about the Campus Status Page. We want to make sure you know how proud we are of you for complying with the COVID rules in these unprecedented…
Campus Rejoices as Noodle Print Edition Goes Live!
The newest Noodle Print Edition is now available digitally for the public, not just “Noodle Gold+” members! Read it here!
Editorial: The Middlebury Campus Must Apologize for Making Light of the Suez Canal Crisis- That’s Where All Our Print Copies Are
As a general rule of thumb, we at the Noodle try to refrain from writing with our own voice. Today, however, we would like to acknowledge The Middlebury Campus “Newspaper’s” callous mockery of the Suez Canal Crisis. We were shocked, disappointed, and frankly disgusted by The Middlebury Campus’ attempt at making light of the very…
Governor Phil Scott Bans Vaccines for All College Students Because “Those Kids Can Go Fuck Themselves”
After enduring criticism for not allowing out-of-state college students to get vaccinated, Vermont Governor and token Republican Phil “one of the good ones” Scott decided to double-down on his position and signed an executive order forbidding Covid vaccinations from going to any college student in the state. When reminded he already forbid these same students…
All Jewish Students Removed from Campus After Inviting Off-Campus Messiah for Passover Seder
Early Sunday morning the COVID Judicial Affairs Board announced the sudden removal of all Jewish students from campus following their Passover Seders where they blatantly left a seat open for an out-of-towner. In a clear violation of the COVID regulations stipulating that no student is to bring a visitor from off-campus, the board wanted to…
