Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between…

Socially eager freshmen aching to show off their LED strobe lights and 100 pack of Red Solo cups have had a particularly turbulent start to their semester on account of the administration’s “N+2 Rule,” restricting dorm room gathering sizes to “the number of beds in the room plus two.” To everyone’s surprise, however, Carson Howell…

This afternoon, some dudes in suits with a suspiciously large amount of money will be convening to ask more stupid-ass questions with obvious answers. This time they are hosting an hour-long debate to rehash whether or not America was founded on slavery, a question to which only America’s most tone-deaf scholars could answer “No.”  The…

With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos.  Early…

New statistics gathered by the Office of Admissions on this year’s freshman class report that only 6% of first-years this fall identify as “queer,” or “interesting.” In previous years, spaces like the Mill have served as formative outlets for students to discover their sexuality while also adopting a stylish nicotine addiction, leading a whopping 80%…

Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to handle the cunning troll that now resides under Otter Creek.  Gilfeather watched the detailed instructions on social distancing and learned the correct social script…

Middlebury College students have made an incredible breakthrough in COVID-19 research after a number of first years discovered that it is impossible for the disease to spread on Battell Beach. In an eight day long series of observational experiments, the class of 2024 broke ground in the search for a vaccine by discovering that no…

Following last week’s sudden acknowledgment of the 155-year-old existence of Juneteenth, the Middlebury College Administration decided to take a radical stance by almost listening to the demands of Black students instead of just calling them eloquent and thanking them for their time. In a school-wide email, President Patton announced that the school supports being recognized…

After weeks of holding it in, Middlebury finally released its much anticipated Fall reopening plan. The school stressed after the reveal that they took note of the negative response to the survey questions of: “would you pay full admission if you were online?” and “would you pay full tuition if you could not pee in…

Earlier today, Parker Carhill ‘20 became the first Middlebury student to graduate Zooma Cum Laude, Middlebury’s highest, and newest, honor created following the inaugural remote semester. Students unanimously nominated Carhill in a Google Form, recounting stories of his royal-standard Zoom etiquette.  Friends from his History of Environmental Disasters class noted his use of thematically relevant…