This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street. Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty…
Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch. “Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally…
Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut. The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance…
The majority of Middlebury students are outraged after receiving a campus-wide email announcing the return of Charles Murray on March 31st. After ruining Middlebury’s reputation as an institution and traumatizing its students, the school decided to remind white men yet again that their success is genetic and that they’re special just like Daddy always told…
Vegan activists were outraged when a recent video went viral depicting Middlebury’s newest food truck, Moove Along, which has recently opened in the middle of Main Street. The truck, which specializes in beef tartare, joins the Taste of India as one of the only restaurants in Middlebury that serves raw meat. Animal activists are affronted…
In the midst of finals week, a period notorious for its overwhelming stress and seemingly endless amounts of work, one student is savoring the opportunity to let his “Protestant work ethic” shine. Citing his Episcopalian upbringing, Henry Tudor ‘22 has reportedly approached every task “with the undying passion and hardiness of a Swiss man choosing…
Earlier this week, the Center for Careers and Internships became fed up with so-called “unemployable” seniors and began handing out “It’s the American fucking Dream” embossed bootstraps. This new strategy, fully funded by the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Foundation, advises seniors to find a job themselves instead of relying on Handshake to do…
