Our Demands

Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local…

College Cancels Jesus’ Resurrection Due to Safety Concerns

In a school wide email disseminated early Sunday morning, Middlebury College administrators announced their decision to cancel the resurrection of Jesus Christ. Mr. Christ, 33, is a highly controversial Arab rabbi known primarily for the best-selling book series inspired by his spiritual wanderings in and around the Middle East. In a surprising turn of events,…

Legutko Clearly Still Deciding Between Middlebury and Colby

Ryszard Legutko, a Polish delegate to the European Parliament and prospective member of the class of ‘23, has been spotted visiting campus for Prospie Days to make a final decision between attending Middlebury or Colby this coming fall. Though Legutko, who is staying on the floor in Allen, claimed to be leaning towards Middlebury, sources…

Marxist Club To Protest Ty Dolla $ign Concert

Tensions broke loose this morning with regards to the MCAB-organized spring concert when the Marxist Club announced plans to protest Ty Dolla $ign’s performance later tonight in Kenyon Arena. “We are disgusted, but not surprised, that our school has given a platform to such an unabashed proponent of the oppressive bourgeoisie regime,” says Marxist Club…

Chem 103 Students Claim Professor is a “Real Nazi” About Grading

Chemistry 103 students this semester were in for a surprise when, after five weeks of stoichiometry, David Irving Professor of Chemistry Ricardo Klement tasked them with an unexpected problem on the mid-term: calculating the amount of Hydrogen Cyanide gas needed to fill a concentration room chamber with a lethal dose for humans. Students in the…