Dear Mr. Mahaney,

I pity you. Gone are the golden days and nights of your sailing silver medal. Gone is the fleeting ego boost derived from the donation that renamed our beloved Center for the Arts. So now, you assault us further with this public foray into the metaverse of the NFT. 

Well, Mr. Mahaney, consider this challenge of ego accepted. You bought the “The Future Has Not Yet Been Written.” Sick! I got that one, too. And I’ve got big plans for it.

Whether your version is displayed in Middlebury or in Maine, it makes no difference. Harnessing the sheer power of my volume and power buttons, I will thwart the public interaction with this non-fungible token. That is, your museum approach glorifies a lack of accessibility. My approach—using customink.com to print your NFT on a roll of toilet paper with which I will delicately wipe my ass each and every day—is interactive and fun and tasteful. Get mad. 

I’ll send you a roll, too,

Bryant O. Currents, V