Middlebury Launches “Women Belong in the Kitchen” Campaign, Hopes to Bolster Dwindling Dining Staff

This weekend, Middlebury students rejoiced to hear that there was actually a plan in place to attract additional dining staff after over a week of suffering through long lines at Proc just to be able to toast a stale bagel. Rather than raising wages beyond a pithy hiring bonus, giving workers more benefits, allowing them to unionize, or even just giving them all a silly hat, Middlebury has launched a new hiring campaign targeted at the fairer sex: “Women Belong in the Kitchen!”

“All this talk about women in STEM, women in business, it got me thinking: what about specifically targeting women to join our team in the kitchen!” excitedly proclaimed Mr. John Bradford, a devilishly handsome, if a bit lanky, man of about 37 who came up with the clever tagline. 

Gender Studies professors lauded the decision, stating in an unofficial leaked email: “We couldn’t be prouder of the womyn-centered rhetoric of Middlebury’s new hiring campaign. It’s clear that they have made a true commitment to gender equality in the workplace.” They have also been using the campaign slogan as a talking-point in many intro-level courses. 

In one such class, “Gender, Pointy Hats and Proximity: Proving that Emily Dickinson was a Lesbian One Twilight Movie at a Time,” the only male-identifying student in the classroom tried to pipe up about the “inherently sexist trope” put forth by the campaign, but was shut down immediately because men don’t deserve opinions.

Even the Chellis House got involved in promoting the campaign, selling pink pussy hats, AOC tote bags, Monica Lewinsky action figures, and other cheugy accoutrements of being a socially liberal, fiscally conservative, modern, enterprising girlboss.

Following the success of Dining’s “Women Belong in the Kitchen” campaign, Davis Family Library staff have recently hinted at launching a similar campaign, “Women Should be Seen and Not Heard in Davis Family Library.”

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