Op-Ed: Sorry for showering on Battell Beach

I have been asked to issue a formal apology for taking a shower in the Battell Beach sprinkler this morning. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that being fully nude on Battell Beach at noon on a Tuesday would have gone over so poorly, and I apologize for my lack of foresight. Allow me to explain myself further.

First, I was raised to accept my body. None of that “peepee” bullshit that some parents use around their kids. I always referred to my magnum dong by his proper name: the penis. And I believe that my penis is fantastic. So you could imagine my surprise when I heard cries of disgust coming out of the mouths of innocent onlookers just trying to get some chicken nuggets at Ross before the line was out the door. It really bruised my ego, guys. Not cool. I haven’t been able to get hard since then. Not even when I was watching Meghan McCain on “The View” this morning!

Second, in case you haven’t noticed it’s hot as fuck outside these days. What’s up with that? I was so hot and sweaty after my 14-minute mile that I couldn’t not just strip down to my birthday suit, crawl under the little string fence, and hop right under the sweet, cool water being ejaculated out of that sprinkler. Global warming, people!!! If it’s 90 degrees in Vermont in June, I’m dropping my pants and showering in the sprinkler like there’s no tomorrow.

Finally, who even cares if a few first-years saw my penis and butt? It’s not like they haven’t been getting dicked down in the B2S lounge at 6:00 AM on a Sunday all year. We’re all going to die anyway, might as well live it up while we’re here.

In conclusion, I guess I am not really that sorry that I flashed everyone while showering in the Battell Beach sprinkler earlier this week after all. I’m sorry that you are all upset, but I love who I am and I’m not going to change myself for anyone. In the wise words of Lady Gaga, “Whether you’re broke or evergreen/You’re black, white, beige, chola descent/You’re Lebanese, you’re orient/Whether life’s disabilities/Left you outcast, bullied, or teased/Rejoice and love yourself today/’Cause baby you were born this way.”

Happy pride month,

Harry Balls, Class of 2021.5

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