COVID-19 Reporting Dashboard Updated to Include Library Books Quarantined for No Fucking Reason

As the United States begins to finally emerge from over a year of quarantining, masking, social distancing, and shame-spiraling, the same question has been on everyone’s mind: what’s next? For most Americans, the next few months will bring significant decreases in restrictions as more and more people are vaccinated. It’s been a long, cold, lonely winter, but the general attitude seems to be that hot girl summer is coming at last.

Here at Middlebury, change is on the horizon as well. Many students are getting vaccinated and there have been zero COVID cases on campus for several weeks. The College, Addison county, Vermont, and much of the country are all seeing a steady decrease in cases. Rightly so, the administration has begun lifting some of the restrictions that have been stifling student life on campus all year.

Most importantly, the COVID-19 Reporting Dashboard has been updated to reflect the amount of library books that are currently undergoing quarantine. Despite significant empirical evidence that COVID is an airborne disease that is rarely spread via fomites, any book that has come in contact with a student’s dirty, dirty hands must quarantine for two full weeks to mitigate risk. 

“We try to be as transparent with the community as possible,” said Fred Pipi, who runs the COVID-19 Reporting Dashboard. “It’s only fair that they know how many books we’re quarantining because it’s an accurate reflection of the health situation on campus.” 

Book quarantine is not that different from quarantine for naughty students who have found themselves exposed to COVID. Returned books are escorted by scary men in hazmat suits from the circulation desk in Davis to the hidden fallout bunker under Old Chapel, where they are immediately stripped of their book jackets and left alone in the dark for 14 straight days of psychosis-inducing isolation. 

Books who have undergone this quarantine described it as a “terrifying” experience. “I was sitting high on a bookshelf next to the window, bathing in the spring sun.” said Calculus of Variations. “The next day, I was in a dark, damp, room, squashed between a depressed poetry collection and a comic book that won’t shut up about how he’s actually a ‘graphic novel.’ My neighbor to the right speaks only ‘French’, and my neighbor to the left was written by an author who could barely do long division.”

“I survived,” said the math textbook, “but barely.”

According to the Dashboard, there are currently over 50,000 books in book quarantine as of 1:47 PM today. We at the Noodle wish them a speedy recovery and eagerly await their return to the stacks.

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