SGA Vows “It Will Not Rest” Until All Middlebury Students Are Granted Cabinet Positions

With the United States’ midterm elections just 552 days away, Middlebury’s Student Government has seized on the campus’s newfound political enthusiasm by promising that every single student will be given a cabinet position in the rising administration by the beginning of next semester.

This surprise initiative began this morning, and is the brainchild of SGA’s Student Affair Committee Liaison Manfred Irwin ‘21. At the time of this article’s publication, SGA has already named four additional liaisons to the External Affairs Committee, three additional liaisons to the Internal Affairs Committee, twelve new Knights to the Roundtable Committee, and created the SGA Mission to the United Nations.

“Make no mistake,” said Irwin in a speech outside Mead Chapel, “the President has given me the ultimate authority to give you all positions in our student government. And barring our dissolution, that is exactly what I am going to do.”

Irwin’s initiative has proved to be controversial, as many students are quickly learning they don’t actually have the option to reject their appointment to the various new positions. Karen Peters ‘23, the school’s new SGA Director of Comedy on Campus, was issued a massive Vaudeville hook to rip performers whose comedy does not align with SGA’s vision offstage. 

“It would be one thing if I only had to use this bad boy on improv groups,” says Peters, “but I hate that I’m now forced to hook any standup comedian who talks about our SGA President offstage.”

The current SGA senate has also expressed discontent with Irwin’s plan, as they claim it diminishes the importance of elections, and, as one anonymous SGA Feb Senator argues “is bloating this important organization with needless bureaucracy.”

Irwin noted this concern, and then assured the greater public that the new SGA Director of Draining the Political Swamp, Thomas Day ‘24, was on the case.

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