URGENT: Weekly Campus Status Page Updates Leaked

The following email was intercepted by The Local Noodle on April 27th, 2021

Hello, students! It’s us, the COVID OPs Team, back at it again with another email about the Campus Status Page. We want to make sure you know how proud we are of you for complying with the COVID rules in these unprecedented times. On that note, there have been some recent changes made to the Campus Status Page that we would like to draw your attention to:

  1. Room capacity expands to n=0∞(-2)nn!xneffective tonight. If you’re caught breaking this very simple rule, consequences will be swift and severe. 
  2. Classes and research may be conducted in person, provided that you give your professor a smooch on both cheeks before and after every class. #wheninRome
  3. We know that students are getting vaccinated. Yay for you. However, we don’t want those lucky few to become a ruling class here at Middlebury. Thus, all those who are vaccinated will be forced to wear a scarlet V on their shirts any time they leave their residences so that everyone knows who to throw their extra Proc tofu at. Thanks for getting vaccinated, but we don’t care! #stayhumble 
  4. New extended library hours!! Davis Library will be open from 4:00 AM-7:00 AM on alternating Tuesdays, Armstrong Science Library will not even be open once. That place is for losers and we don’t want any of those here. The Axinn Center at Starr Library will be open every waning crescent and waxing gibbous moon, which you can track on Co-Star. #vibes
  5. Students, staff, faculty, and all seagulls living on-campus will now be tested on a lottery basis. Once a week, the entire Middlebury community will gather on Battell Beach, where each person will take turns walking (socially distanced, #obvi) up to the hand-crafted wooden box that I have been working on for months and pull out a slip of paper. If it is blank they will not be tested this week, if it has a winky face they will be tested on Monday and Thursday of that week, and if it has a black dot they will be stoned to death to ensure a good harvest. 
  6. ABSOLUTELY NO DUNMORE DARTIES… unless Derek Doucet is invited!! And before you ask, he only drinks IPAs. Sip of Sunshine to be specific. #partyanimal 

We hope that clears things up for you! Again, thank you so much for your cooperation and diligence during these difficult times. Don’t let #pandemicfatigue distract you from the important work that is following these rules to keep our campus community safe. If you have any qs please direct them to Midd Confessions or to the Dean of Students: Derek “DILF” Doucet. 

Hakuna matata,


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