Governor Phil Scott Bans Vaccines for All College Students Because “Those Kids Can Go Fuck Themselves”

After enduring criticism for not allowing out-of-state college students to get vaccinated, Vermont Governor and token Republican Phil “one of the good ones” Scott decided to double-down on his position and signed an executive order forbidding Covid vaccinations from going to any college student in the state.

When reminded he already forbid these same students from leaving the State to receive the vaccine, the Governor justified his decision by noting that “those kids can go fuck themselves.” When further pressed by Local Noodle reporters on the safety of those who are simply around college students, the Governor added that “those people could go fuck themselves too.”

Many students were discouraged after hearing the news, and are actively applying their genius to circumvent the new ban. Sophomore Tony Thatcher ‘22 immediately started selling private jet flights to Utah for students who wanted to get vaccinated. The student investment committee dumped their entire portfolio into Moderna stocks, in hopes of securing doses. The theatre department has begun to design a course tentatively titled “How to pretend that you are 50 years old.” Finally, the Middlebury Republicans club filed a lawsuit claiming that all students should be vaccinated since they are all POC.

“White is a color too, you know,” said the club treasurer.

The Middlebury administration has considered circumventing the Governor’s decree by hiring all of its students as public safety officers for an hour, making them “first responders,” and thus eligible for the vaccine. This plan has received significant backlash from MCAB, however, as the club is still pondering the fact that maybe cops are bastards.

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