Early Sunday morning the COVID Judicial Affairs Board announced the sudden removal of all Jewish students from campus following their Passover Seders where they blatantly left a seat open for an out-of-towner. In a clear violation of the COVID regulations stipulating that no student is to bring a visitor from off-campus, the board wanted to make an example of the Jewish students who felt like they could flaunt the rules just because their guest was allegedly the Messiah.

Although the guest never actually showed up, the board said that it was the sentiment that counted, and that the open defiance of the rules was enough to remove them all without further trial. 

“I kept trying to explain to the board that Elijah was never going to show up,” said Miriam Basket ‘22 packing up her single in the FIC. “But they kept saying ‘if he wasn’t going to show up, why did you leave a whole glass of wine out for him? Also who’s Elijah? Isn’t he an off campus senior this year?’ It was impossible.”

Yet despite this crack-down on religious practices, the board assured all Christian students that they’ll be fine given that their upcoming Easter guest is just a giant mythical bunny.