What do I do if my Midd Marriage Match is an 18th-century Ghost?

March 18, 2021, from Kate:

Hi H0rnyP@ntherL00ver69,

So- my match was in the 99.99th percentile of compatibility, and I did click “I like older men,” but this might be too much. I know that he’s supposed to be my soulmate because the Internet said so, but he’s a ghost? I’m desperately looking for love, but I’m obviously a bit shocked. What do I do? 

Dear Kate,

Thanks for writing in girly! So I know we are all scared of getting “ghosted” but you really took it up to a new level. All jokes aside, I wouldn’t be too worried- it seems like you two have a lot in common! First off, you both filled out the survey. Secondly, so what if he’s a ghost? There’s a lot you can do with a non-solid man… He can go through walls at the movie theatre to save you a seat, maybe even spook other patrons away so you have a romantic private viewing of your favorite Katherine Heigl films. If you’re on a lovers boat in a beautiful pond and your arms get tired of rowing, he can summon water deities to bring you ashore- I’m sure he’s a connected guy! And girlqueen- you certainly don’t need to worry about STD’s because he probably died from syphilis long ago. And with his cold, transparent nature I’m sure there could be an opportunity to experiment with temperature play. 

You said you’re searching for a soul-mate, right? Well he may not possess a traditional newtonian-solid “body”, but that doesn’t mean he is soulless. And with the so-called “men” these days that are only concerned with one thing, it may be a change of pace, a breath of fresh air, to connect with someone outside your comfort zone. You could end learning about a time in history you aren’t as familiar with as you thought- he must have loads of stories! Plus, he is able to give you the inside scoop, all the juiciest deets, about what it’s like to pass into the afterlife. Love always presents itself in unexpected places girlboss- don’t you forget it. Why shouldn’t you take life by the balls? Take him out on a date, girly. You can be the absolute daddy you have always wanted to be, you just have to believe in yourself:) The algorithm knows all, believe in the algorithm. Didn’t they make this at Stanford?

Ta-ta for now queens, 

H0rnyP@ntherL00ver69

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