At 2:00am, March 17th 2021, the department of Public Safety officially took Barney Murphy, an alleged Leprechaun, into custody. Murphy, who was cited for causing “a public disturbance at indecent hours” was found like most freshmen victims of a Public Safe Citation: drunk and shirtless outside of Atwater.
“He was screaming for hours,” said Will Scott ‘21, who lives on the second floor of one of the Atwater dorms. “I think he mistook my LGBTQ+ pride flag we keep in the window for an actual rainbow. He kept demanding we return his pot of gold, lest the ‘snakes return to our fookin [sic] dorm.”
As Murphy is not an actual student of the college, but a mythical creature originating from Irish folklore, PubSafe was tasked with spending the following day researching the leprechaun’s background and if he had any official ties to the college.
“At first we expected this to be Murphy’s first time on campus,” said veteren officer Caroline Hall, “After all, the annual St. Patrick’s day dinners at Ross are anything but magical. Shockingly, though, after interrogations we realized Murphy is actually the organizer of Middlebury’s own ‘Open the Books’ Campaign.”
Apparently, the Leprechaun had created this movement earlier in the year because he had suspected the “stingy” board of trustees had absconded with his pot of gold last year in order to finance critical functions such as Midnight Breakfast at the Monterey Institute and funding Paint-By-Numbers. By “opening the books”, he had hoped to catch the trustees red-handed and take legal action against the apparent thieves.
“I know they have my gold,” noted Murphy in an interview with the Campus. “Your president’s Irish Wolfhound hell-spawn might keep away Banshees and Faeries, but I will get what I have come for! I implore every student to rally behind me! Let’s open those fookin books!”
Pending Mr. Murphy’s release and compliance with COVID-19 guidelines, Murphy has promised any supporter of his campaign three wishes if they could find him a pint of anything that “is not Keystone.”