Bookstore Succeeds in Quest to Neither Offer Books Nor be a Store

In the chaos of the COVID-19 pandemic, multiple buildings have tried to change their identity, but a few weeks into this semester it is clear only the “Bookstore” has succeeded. The gym tried to just become a testing site, but it was thwarted by pesky athletes. Battell Beach tried to become a wasteland, but it too was defeated by the hordes of freshmen determined to gather upon it. The Bookstore, however,  has succeeded. It stood up and said “no” to being a place for books, and “no” to being a store, and thus the Bookstore has become the shining beacon on campus for a place whose name is a blatant lie.

Beginning way back in the “before days” of 2018, the Bookstore took its first step in achieving its lifelong mission of uselessness by removing all books from its shelves. Although students and faculty alike were taken aback by the store’s brazen refusal to change its name to just “Store,” it never believed that the store would dare to cease selling even the most popular of quarter-zip jackets. 

“When I first heard of the Bookstore’s mission I admit I did not believe it” said Blas Phemous ‘21. “I just didn’t think it could be done. Could a place that is now just an indoor seating site seriously still be called a “Bookstore?” Is this even possible within the laws of physics? Does any place that has its name chiseled in stone above just have to keep it regardless of its actual use? Maybe I should chisel “passing all my classes” above my door or something.” 

Many people are praising the “Bookstore” for being the first place on campus to openly lie about its function, but anybody who’s lived in Battell is adamant that place should have stopped calling itself a “residential building” a long time ago. 

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