This week The Local Noodle bravely intercepted a leaked email forwarded to the Middlebury Campus outlining Winter Carnival plans in great detail. The email claims that ”Maybe Cops are Bastards,” or MCAB, is reportedly planning to give every single attendee COVID vaccine shots, plus enough events to drown out the crushing loneliness of zoom school.
The email describes a Winter Carnival taking place from March 13th to March 20th that may or may not be a running joke.
Says one MCAB member, “We, as an organization, feel a responsibility for Winter Carnival to pivot suddenly towards untested public health attempts, instead of just the traditional work-hard play-harder Bacchian fuck-fest of yor. Because of that, and my dad’s connection at the Russian Ministry of Health, we thought we’d cook up something a little special this year.”
The simple process for obtaining this vaccine was also leaked.
“First,” the instructions state, “You must show up to a Ski event in neon clothing two days before the ides of March and tell them you kissed your aunt. Then they will give you Dr Fauci’s personal phone number. Do Not Call It! (This is the test. He’ll call you.)”
Participants are then told to keep Tony’s number and use the last three digits and last four digits on the day of our Lord to get into a Mario Kart contest. At the very end of Rainbow Road, they are to hit up, up, down, right, right, sick jump, left. If done correctly they should be able to glimpse a box of syringes reflected in the screen behind them while the Titanic soundtrack suddenly plays. =
The email then notes that “On the 19th of March you will be approached by two identical twin puppies. One only tells lies and one only tells the truth. You only have one shot to ask the right question of them.” If one chooses correctly, a Food Truck will appear for your lunch, which will contain a vaccination syringe along with an allegedly delicious meal from a variety of vendors.
Those who restrain from shooting up right away will be rewarded/punished with an acapella concert a week later, and knowing the groups on campus the performance will certainly feel like it lasts months. Students are encouraged to inoculate themselves or each other whenever someone tries to sound like an instrument, because free doses of the vaccine will flow like water during the performance.
The leaked plans also mentioned a chili fest where we can all use the same spoon, something called human sled bowling which sounds like a great way for us to get close together, and a kissing booth that’s definitely COVID safe. With any luck, the Middlebury Campus will stop hiding these very real and very important updates from the student body, and will report more on the carnival coming soon from the activities board that seems to have more money than the entire state of Florida, and no supervision at all.