“Swimming is beautiful. Swimming in lakes. Swimming in the ocean. It beats not swimming. But the thing about swimming is that it is far less fun when you are being devoured by a 50 foot sea monster originating from the depths of hell.” These were the words that The Great Cephalopod of the Sea, otherwise known as The Kraken, spoke in his commencement address to Middlebury’s class of 1801.
Then known for his penchant for eating obnoxious members of the Sailing Team and no-one else, The Kraken was once received with great applause by the Middlebury community. However, The Kraken has since engaged in a ruthless campaign to eat any and all seafarers who dare to submerge themselves in his terrain. Now, following the commendable editorial from Middlebury’s other news source calling for the college to revoke the honorary degree of Rudy Giuliani, we at the Local Noodle call on the Administration to revoke Middlebury’s honorary degree given to The Kraken, Great Cephalopod of yore.
Once known as “America’s Sea Monster,” The Kraken has become anything but that. Alongside the other Great Ocean Predators (GOP), he enjoys destroying the very tenants of what it means to enjoy American aquatic activities.
We understand that The Kraken was invited to Middlebury in a different time — a time when cephalopods worked together to create beautiful tax cuts on coral reefs for wealthier fish — but now we see that our cephalopod overlords have become too powerful, too power hungry, and too human hungry. When he appeared in that documentary series about the Carribean and attempted to eat Johnny Depp the College said they were “disappointed,” but failed to act. Now, after encouraging others on Parler to join him in the murky depths to feast on the bones of young sailors in his subaquatic court, we call on the College to say enough is enough.
We understand that rescinding an honorary degree is no small feat. However, Cornell University rescinded the honorary degree of their neighbourhood werewolf when the sky darkened over the ceremony and all but 2 graduates were left alive, and Williams College rescinded all of its degrees when it realised that it’s a dumb school that shouldn’t exist.
A symbolic degree represents the values of this community. Given that Middlebury is already removing the honorary degree of another hell-borne being who melts in the sunlight, speaks in riddles, and encourages mass instability for his own benefit, Rudy Giuliani, then they must rescind the degree of the Kraken as well.
The Local Noodle