During a rare appearance outside of his host, the lizard that mechanically operates Donald Trump’s decaying body announced today that he didn’t have another four years in him.
“You guys were bound to find out at some point,” said the lizard to the crowd of shocked reporters around him. “Have you seen me try to hold a glass of water?”
“It was fun when I got to host The Apprentice. Notice how I never approved any lizard killing devices. But the job became a drag around 2018,” said the lizard, poking his head out of one of Trump’s glazed-over eyes. “The lower torso would just quit unexpectedly, and the arms would flail around without warning. Clearly, his body was becoming overrun with rats, and as you all know, lizards and rats are always feuding. I just don’t need that conflict in my life.”
The lizard told reporters that he would be watching the election results with as much anxiety as anyone else.
“I can’t do another four months, let alone another term. There’s not going to be anything left, just a brittle skeleton covered in blood.”
When asked about vacation plans, the lizard said that his cousin, a gecko living inside Eric Trump, had at least another decade, so he might drop by to enjoy a more tropical climate.