“American Democracy Will Never Die” Says Professor Who Doesn’t Vote

In last week’s installment of his critically-acclaimed lecture series “American Exceptionalism: Why the World Hates Us Because They’re Jealous,” Political Science professor B. Munroe explained that while American democracy must be replicated globally at all costs, it is also so infallible that he needn’t even participate in the electoral process.

Students were blown away by the professor’s heroic reinterpretation of civic duty. 

“I knew a liberal arts college would radicalise me” said one Political Science major. “But I never thought I’d learn that voting is for suckers. Professor Munroe taught me voting isn’t necessarily a pillar of democracy, and that so long as other people vote, I can just chill at home. The logic is airtight.” 

“I think it’s really important to remain apolitical,” explained Munroe. “You condemn white supremacists in class, for example, and the next thing you know young student voters are condemning white supremacy. I prefer to stay out of it. God forbid I actually work to change the realities of life in America – that would be wholly inappropriate in my position as a neutral educator. I refuse to indoctrinate them. Anyway, back to learning about the efficiency of the Electoral College.” 

Although some students remained skeptical, many future leaders left the lecture thoroughly excited about being relieved of the duty of making decisions. 

“It feels great to be able to take voting off the to-do list,” said Stacy Moderata ‘22, a Political Science major who openly discusses wanting to be President someday. “That way, I can focus on bigger things, like writing a paper on why Originalism is a reputable position for a Supreme Court Justice.” 

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