Amy Coney Barrett Proves She’s One of the Boys by Stripping Women of their Basic Rights

Recently published documents from the Notre Dame Law School archive have provided evidence of a pivotal night in 1997 when Amy Coney Barrett was supposedly turned away from an undergraduate party, on account of her being “uptight” and “not chill.” Sources close to Barrett in law school refer to these rejections as the incident which spurred Barrett to prove she has ‘guy friends’ who help her make decisions: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. 

Barrett has since longed for the day when a bunch of men would form a quorum in order to make her one of their own. Having been inducted into the United States Supreme Court this week, on the platform of stripping women of their basic rights, Barrett has finally succeeded in her mission to be “one of the boys.” 

When asked by Senator Ben Sasse about the contents of the First Amendment, Barrett paused for awhile, and then answered, “Look, I didn’t really study for this test, so I don’t know the exact freedoms or whatever. I’m not like other girls in that sense.”  When asked about climate change, she added that she’s “no scientist, because girls can’t do math, or at least they shouldn’t be allowed to.” 

As spotted on CSPAN, Barrett’s eyes then darted to the bench, where, upon approving nods from the men in the room, she proceeded: 

“The only math I do know is that a marriage is between a man and a woman. And that there are two genders, and that’s the law.. Or at least it will be.”  

“I respect her constant drive to be the best version of herself, and by that I mean to be a man, because they’re naturally superior,” added Senator Murkowski, another woman smashing the glass ceiling by proving that women can also act entirely in their own political interests. “Also, given Brett’s new addition to the nomination process — beating Antonin Scalia’s ghost in beer pong — no one will say that the Supreme Court is lame.”

Now, Barrett’s conformist tendencies coupled with her disdain for the democratic process is being celebrated exactly as a man’s would: by gaining a lifetime appointment to the most consequential court in the land. How cool is that? What a guys’ girl. 

In her last ditch attempt to come off as “the chill one” on the bench, after being called “Justice” for the first time, Barrett responded: “Oh, Justice is my father. Please, call me Handmaid.” 

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