Middlebury Therapy Dog Arrested For Selling Xanax

Middlebury’s popular therapy dog program was shut down yesterday after one of the four-legged volunteers was arrested for allegedly selling Xanax. Officers with the Middlebury Police Department arrested Bailey, a seven-month-old Golden Retriever, after a successful raid on her apartment. The arrest was the tail-end of a yearlong investigation, culminating in a three-hour shoot-out between Bailey and police.  

Bailey is licensed to practice medicine and administer cuddles, but police think she has been illegally selling prescription alprazolam on campus for years. 

“We thought that Bailey might have been accepting kibble treats as payment, or maybe chew toys,” said lead investigator Paul Patrol. “But she’s been funnelling thousands of U.S. dollars into an offshore bank account. It’s been converted into Iraqi dinar, something we’re still looking into.” 

Police think Bailey has sold Xans to hundreds of students. Students say Bailey approached first-years lined up to pet her furry pals, wagging her tail and baggies of Z-bars.

“At first, I went to see the therapy dogs because I was feeling kinda stressed out about midterms, but it wasn’t long before those little puppy dog kisses didn’t have the same effect anymore,” Ash Brock ’23 said. “That’s when Bailey approached and asked if I wanted something stronger.”

Bailey is set to appear in court next month represented by Mrs. Ellie Jones, who told reporters “the only defense we’ll need in court is those puppy dog eyes—the jury will have no choice but to find her innocent.” Prosecutors, on the other hand, anticipate that Bailey will be sentenced to spending the rest of her life on a big farm in the sky. 

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