Socially eager freshmen aching to show off their LED strobe lights and 100 pack of Red Solo cups have had a particularly turbulent start to their semester on account of the administration’s “N+2 Rule,” restricting dorm room gathering sizes to “the number of beds in the room plus two.” To everyone’s surprise, however, Carson Howell ‘24, a freshman notorious for his active presence on the 2024 Facebook page, was able to worm his way around these authoritative restrictions with a bright new solution: simply adding beds to his Battell double.
Howell claims he and his roommate were able to fit 45 mattresses of different sizes into the room. When asked how he came up with the ingenious idea, Howell cited his Introduction to Political Science course.
“All the theory I’ve been skimming for class is telling me that under authoritarian rule, you just gotta do what you gotta do to survive,” Howell remarked, nursing a warm PBR. “You know…modern problems require modern solutions.”
Despite its greatest efforts, even Public Safety could not manage to negate the supreme logic of Howell’s solution, reluctantly allowing Howell and his 45 new freshmen best friends to evade the consequences of a Covid conduct violation. The Dean of Students praised Howell in a campus-wide email for “solving the enduring campus issue of finding effective ways to socialize within new campus guidelines.” He suggested that the body heat generated by the now-named “Howell Strategy” may be essential in maintaining COVID-regulated social life in the colder months.
The biggest drawback, according to Howell, is the fact that he now only has two feet of floor space in his room next to the heater.
“Yeah, I can’t really open any of my drawers, but it’s totally worth it” he said. “I’m pretty much the most popular guy on Battell 2 North – who needs to change their clothes daily anyway?”