Guys in Suits with Suspiciously Large Budget Ask Another Stupid-Ass Question

This afternoon, some dudes in suits with a suspiciously large amount of money will be convening to ask more stupid-ass questions with obvious answers. This time they are hosting an hour-long debate to rehash whether or not America was founded on slavery, a question to which only America’s most tone-deaf scholars could answer “No.” 

The argument against America’s founding and success having anything to do with slavery will be taken up by master-debator Hamilton Forum. When students questioned him on the validity of the debate, Mr. Forum was quick to challenge Middlebury’s “rhetorical resilience.” 

“How could you accuse our beautiful, powder-haired daddies of profiting from and heedlessly perpetuating a practice that killed and brutalized 12 million people?” said Mr. Forum. “Sounds like communist mischief to me!” 

Mr. Forum also asked students if they had ever heard of “a little man named Abraham Lincoln,” or seen the award-winning film American Sniper

Historian Carol Crane is set to contest Mr. Forum’s dumb-ass question. She is expected to give an impassioned plea to recognize the deep, extensive, and lasting brutality of slavery; to critique and build upon the dominant, incomplete narrative of this brutality in U.S. history; as well as to recognize the subsequent role that Black Americans as a group, throughout history, have had in developing and proponing freedoms for all Americans.

Some of her supporters, however, are afraid she will not be fully prepared for the debate, as she is also preparing to defend the necessity of child labor laws next week against the Cato Institute.

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