Tortured Intellectual Publicly Brooding In Ross

Despite the Middlebury t-shirt, this burgeoning intellectual has made his distaste for the acquisition of knowledge within private institutions very clear from his single-table grumbling.

With limited indoor dining introduced this past week as a component Phase 2 transition, some students have taken the opportunity to publicly advertise their complex, twisted minds. The single-seating tables placed in comfortable distance from one another have provided an ideal space for students to brood, pretend to read, and write their tedious manifestos. 

Early research has shown that patrons of this area tend to be tortured humanities majors who forgo their backpacks for beige satchels, can quote the Wikipedia page on Infinite Jest without having read the book, and, over time, expose themselves to be thinly-veiled misogynists. 

Brent Ellston Ennels ‘23, a sophomore English major, has been using the space to idealize his future as an artistically coveted mind. “My influences include Ted Kaczynski, David Lynch, and definitely some women” said Ennels, while nursing a black coffee gone cold. When asked if he was working on any creative pursuits himself, Ennels tapped a largely empty Moleskine journal and said he was “working on it.” 

This distinguished group of scholars also cites the ever-rotating audience circling out of Ross Dining Hall as another feature of the space. Joyce James ‘21.5 has said that working in Ross all day guarantees the proper visual stimuli to generate her elaborate sexual fantasies about her self-proclaimed “muse” at least twice a day, if she plans it right. 

“I’ve done some research. I know that she gets out of her architecture class at 12:15, and always comes through for a quick snack before her 1pm class,” says Joyce. “So at about 12:31, I glance up from my computer, tap my finger on my chin to imply thoughtfulness, nod once in her direction, and look down. This action should plant the idea in her mind that I am elusive, hot, and have a vaguely dark quality deep within – the triple threat. Inevitably, this will lead to increasingly flirtatious interactions which, according to my calculations, should result in an afternoon date to Otter Creek Used Books in early November.” 

Although later phases of the college’s COVID-19 plan may get rid of the single-person seating in the dining halls, our special thinkers can always resort to Zoom discussions for their need to posture their intellect. Many will likely pin the video of their crush for the entire call, pan the camera to their many Rothko and Dali posters, and do what they do best: ramble.

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