Homoerotic Mill Basement Closed; First-Years Boast Record Low Number of Queer Students

Without glow-paint themed basement parties, freshmen are less able than ever to develop crushes on the pop-punk college band members of their dreams.

New statistics gathered by the Office of Admissions on this year’s freshman class report that only 6% of first-years this fall identify as “queer,” or “interesting.” In previous years, spaces like the Mill have served as formative outlets for students to discover their sexuality while also adopting a stylish nicotine addiction, leading a whopping 80% of upperclassmen to consider themselves queer. 

Now that the Mill is no longer allowed to host large events in their low-ceiling basement, students are limited to developing their new college personas within the halls of their freshman dorms. This prohibition has left budding bisexuals no choice but to drink White Claws, wear skinny jeans, and, unfortunately, kiss boys.

Without the thrill of licking their own sweat off an acquaintance’s nipples at Purple Jesus, first-years are left to wonder: should I maybe just buy those little beige pants and join the equestrian team?

Even the few first-years who are comfortable in their queerness, all of whom have been out since their middle school’s production of Rent in 2015, are largely unaware of the cultural tropes that define queerness at small liberal arts colleges — overgrown mullets, an unwavering love for 100 gecs, and being close friends with all of your exes. 

Students who would ordinarily pledge the Mill are not the only ones affected by these restrictions. Straight students, whose idea of a good time is a daylong seated drinking game, are also longing for community. Hopefully, though, Tavern will reopen in the spring.

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