Student Who Skimmed Through New SafeCollege Trainings Unable to Answer Riddles of Marbleworks Bridge Troll

Thomas Gilfeather ‘22 found himself in a world of hurt when he realized that by skipping through certain sections of his SafeCollege training, he missed the section specifically outlining how to handle the cunning troll that now resides under Otter Creek. 

Gilfeather watched the detailed instructions on social distancing and learned the correct social script for how to ask a friend for a hug, but did not pay the slightest attention to section four of the training, titled “Phase Two Social Scripts: Encountering the Newly Awoken Troll who Lives Under the Bridge to Marbleworks”. 

This proved disastrous when Thomas, described by friends as a “foolish boy,” was eager to finally leave Lang and venture into the town of Middlebury, making a confrontation with the Troll inevitable. 

Merely seeking American Flatbread, Thomas found himself unable to accede to the Troll’s demand to “reveal that which is Round, yet flat as a board. Altar of the Lupine Lords. Jewel on black velvet, pearl in the sea. Unchanged but everchanging, eternally.”

Though the SafeCollege training clearly indicates that the correct answer to this riddle is “the moon,” Thomas incorrectly guessed American Flatbread’s best selling “Punctuated Equilibrium.” Consequently, the Troll stole his shadow. 

Though his life will be forever altered by the experience, Thomas’s tale pales in comparison to the students who did not complete the alcohol section of the SafeCollege training, and accordingly had their blood turned to Twisted Tea by the BevCo Warlock.

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