First Years Excited to Discover that COVID-19 Can’t Spread on Battell Beach

Middlebury College students have made an incredible breakthrough in COVID-19 research after a number of first years discovered that it is impossible for the disease to spread on Battell Beach. In an eight day long series of observational experiments, the class of 2024 broke ground in the search for a vaccine by discovering that no matter how many people you fit onto Battell Beach, it’s scientifically impossible to contract the virus.

The first years are receiving well deserved praise and accolades for putting not just their own lives, but the lives of their classmates, professors, and community on the line if their experiment failed.

Biology Professor Ethan Hawke was asked to reflect on the first year’s audacity. He said “The first night that I saw them gathered on The Beach I thought to myself, wow, there’s no way they would gather in a group that size unless they knew that Battell Beach is the only place on earth where COVID can’t be spread through any means.’”

“So,” he continued, “I went up to a student to ask if the Class of ‘24 knew more about this novel virus than the WHO, and the sheer confidence at which she rolled her eyes at me and said ‘umm can’t you see that Covid doesn’t spread here?’ showed me the light. It’s truly a phenomenal discovery.”

In response to such ground-breaking science the WHO is allegedly making rapid “Home Battell Kits” to mimic the COVID-19 shield that is Battell Beach, in the hopes that every household in America will soon be able to gather in sweaty masses outside their homes as well. Although it’s safest to buy Battell Beach soil for $70,000 per year from your local pharmacy, it is possible to make them at home with some loose dirt, a month old flat PBR, and a cigarette butt of a kid who lives in the Château.

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