Middlebury Fall Reopening Plan Limits Elevator Peeing to Only 25 People at a Time

Elevator

Middlebury has full confidence in its students’ dedication to adhere to a health pledge they have not seen yet

After weeks of holding it in, Middlebury finally released its much anticipated Fall reopening plan. The school stressed after the reveal that they took note of the negative response to the survey questions of: “would you pay full admission if you were online?” and “would you pay full tuition if you could not pee in the elevator after getting hammered in Atwater?”

Due to their resounding commitment to democracy and public health, Middlebury resolved that students may deface and infect communal spaces, but with a cautionary warning that they trust students to exert self control, limiting those peeing in such areas to 25 at a time.

“I’m stoked for returning to campus” said Global Health major Eric McEnany ‘22. “I tried peeing on my Mac-Book but it just wasn’t the same. Also, having to look my parents in the eye when they bought me a new one was way harder than them cutting a check for Atwater damages that I have no recollection of.”

With this somber news in mind, many students are still concerned that they won’t be allowed to cram 150 sweaty people into a room and call it a party this Fall. While these guidelines won’t affect student organizations such as The Campus, whose craziest party to date only hosted fifteen simultaneous participants, a majority of the student body is anxiously awaiting more information about their potential return. Many seniors, for example, are carefully contemplating the possibility of a Middlebury semester without traveling to seven parties in one night only to return to the first one because the others were “totally dead.”

“After all” says rising Senior Chet Studebaker ‘21 “If I can’t flood an elevator with at least 26 of my boys, is it even worth it?”

 

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