The following letter was co-signed by 2 billion Middlebury students and emailed to all Middlebury faculty on April 35. It has not been edited in accordance with The Local Noodle’s style guidelines.
Deans, Department Chairs, Faculty, Custodial Staff, Parents, and Neighbors,
Foremost, let me thank you for your decision to uphold the opt-in policy. But would you lend serious notice, consider further, and grant me your ears on an expansion of our grading policy? Wouldn’t our semester be better if you graded our home lives too?
My reasons are as follows:
I. I need more numbers that prove I am better than my peers.
Consider the student who put in tremendous effort during their first semester and is vocal about this fact. She should have an extra big letter that makes her superior to others. My internet and couch are A-level and it should be reflected in my GPA this term, just like it should be for those whose home lives, well, wouldn’t make the dean’s list, if you know what I mean.
II. How am I supposed to motivate myself to reorganize the pantry without the reward of academic validation?
Academic rigor should be at the forefront of everyone’s minds in the midst of a global pandemic and economic recession. It is, after all, the primary reason we all attend Middlebury. Consider the student sitting bored at home, in his thirty million dollar mansion. Everyone’s top priority should be getting him out of bed in the morning to do his chores.
III. My brother is a slacker and my mom still loves him.
The threat of a bad grade, when you think about it, is actually a good thing for people who slack off in class. It will give the extra push of motivation to many, especially international kids who are struggling to wake for their 3:00 AM astrophysics courses. Introducing more grades will work to make lazy students are on par with the rest of us so they can no longer use the excuse of “not having a house or wifi.”
IV. Give me grades, nom nom.
Amazon pantry out of chips. So hungry. Need cum laude. Nom nom.
A more intrusive grading system would satisfy everyone’s needs. Please respect my crippling desire to incorporate neoliberal policies into my home life, starting with a grade on how well I wrote this opinion piece.
With vigor, hope, and a 103º fever,
Gretta Grip ‘21.5
Evan Chester ‘22
Donald Dugood, Prospective ‘25