Administration Solves Financial Troubles by Printing More Students

printingstudent

Middlebury’s reputation as a rigorous research institution has attracted the intellect required to design the frictionless machinery that is pictured printing the “Becky” above.

Faced with an increasing deficit as a result of the COVID-19 crisis and the exorbitant cost of the MCAB carriage rides last fall, Middlebury administrators have reportedly resorted to extreme measures to protect the institution from financial insolvency, resulting in an unprecedented collaboration with admissions to simply print more students.

Executive Master of Coins Karl Moonie confirmed this plan and noted that it was not a decision the administration came to lightly.

“At first we considered defunding the entire athletics program so that we could get out of this deficit and maybe even have extra for financial aid, but in the end, we decided that that would make Middlebury way too groovy and displease our Wall Street overlords—I mean, our donors.”

“We also weighed defunding The Campus just for kicks,” added Moonie, “but the mere thought of a negative editorial really sent us running.”

The administration finally reached their decision to print more students after an in-depth economic study of Zimbabwe, Weimar Germany, and Star Wars Episode 2: The Clone Wars. In an internal memo, one senior administrator commented, “History shows us that the answer to a shortage of something is to make more of that thing. So if we need more tuition money coming in, we simply need to make more students!”

Biology professors will begin printing prototype students by the end of the month in Bicentennial Hall. According to initial reports, there will be three models: Brad, Chad, and Becky, all of whom will come with trust funds and quaint summer cottages on the Cape.

Some students worry that bringing in so many more students will overwhelm student resources, especially after several consecutive years of over-enrollment. One anonymous student, who lived in a forced triple in the Battell basement this year, is concerned that “there will be even more people to call me out when I cut the line in Ross next year.”

Admissions could not be reached for comment, as they were too busy preparing the forthcoming batch of 8,000 acceptance letters.

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