The debate over the revision of Middlebury’s grading policy this semester has come to an apparent end, as the administration announced that their laptop’s microphone “sucks” and therefore left them unable to hear the student body.
“This whole issue is rather unfortunate,” said Earl Hicks, spokesperson for the Office of the Provost, while utilizing a virtual Zoom background from Jacob Riis’ prolific photo-essay “How The Other Half Lives.”
“Every time a student started to make a valid point our mics would glitch. It’s not that we weren’t inspired by the groundswell of emails, petitions, phone calls, and articles in response to the policy, because we were. It was just that we couldn’t hear their actual demands,” Hicks continued.
The administration noted that these audio issues did not seem to occur for students in comfortable living conditions and that their particular concerns came across crystal clear.
When students pointed out that Harvard, Dartmouth, Stanford, Georgetown, Williams, Columbia, Duke, Vanderbilt, and others have reformed their grading systems, Middlebury’s administration lagged behind for a moment before noting that the Class of 2024 was the most diverse in the school’s history.
When asked if they had any intention of actually helping this diverse class, the administration opted instead to double down on their policy, clarifying that they’d write a handwritten note to graduate schools explaining that although many other schools had managed to figure out this predicament, Middlebury is a very special place and deserves to be treated as such. The letters will reportedly be sealed with a kiss.
Additionally, the college will work with the CCI to create a new policy for liberal arts students graduating into a global recession, known as “Universal Fail.”