Crunchy Communist Classmate Zooms into Sociology Class from What Is Clearly a Mid-Century Estate

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Hastings knit his own beanie not only to reduce his colossal carbon footprint but also to look like a moron.

As Middlebury transitions to remote classes, students are finding that Zoom classrooms are providing them with new, intimate insights into the lives of their peers. Warren Hastings ‘22, founder of Midd for Bernie, surprised his Sociology of Property classmates when he joined the Zoom meeting from the ostentatious, marble-columned living room of his family’s estate in rural Connecticut.

In the middle of making a discussion comment denouncing private property, Hastings was cut off by what appeared to be a butler delivering a tray of hors d’oeuvres, later identified as crème fraîche and caviar tartlets. Hastings, seemingly unbothered by the intrusion, reportedly popped the tartlets in his mouth and half-swallowed before continuing.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said classmate Sofia Gains ‘23. “Warren always came across as part of the 99%. He wears the same Carhartts every day and always asks everyone to Venmo him $2 after taking a sip of his Svedka,” she added. “All of his comments were totally in line with the radical, leftist ideology that we’re going for in this department.”

Hastings is not the only student whose carefully crafted facade has been damaged by Zoom classrooms. Loloma Greene ‘21, a staunch vegan on campus, was caught eating a homemade turducken during her night class on the Ethics of Performativity. When questioned, she retorted that she “could not be held responsible for [her] own individual faults when being surveilled so closely by the modern-day Panopticon that is Zoom.”

Hastings was apparently oblivious to the flurry of Zoom private messages unfolding among his classmates. Instead, he launched into another lengthy discussion comment by asking “So, has anyone here seen Parasite?”

 

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