Public Execution of Ross Rhino Delayed until Fall 2020 Due to COVID-19

Rhino

Pubsafe has vowed to keep the Ross Rhino “deliciously plump” until the execution next Fall.

Already reeling from the loss of their spring semester, Middlebury students woke up this morning to the announcement of yet another life-disrupting cancellation: the public execution of the Ross Rhino, scheduled for finals week, will be postponed to next fall.

The decision to execute the Ross Rhino initially came in an email from the SGA Committee on Public Executions. The Committee found that the Commons system failed to enhance students’ on-campus residential experience, and also led to the exorbitant cost of housing and feeding a fully-grown, critically endangered Northern White Rhinoceros in the Ross basement.

“The Commons System just wasn’t giving students what they needed,” said former Ross Commons Residence Director Ryan Osterhouse. “So, to show students we’re committed to their needs, we had planned to execute the Ross Rhino by guillotine on Battell Beach as part of MCAB’s upcoming Midd Mayhem.”

“Obviously, we’ve had to reschedule because of COVID-19, and we understand this is disappointing for the bloodthirsty masses we call students,” Osterhouse continued. “However, the Middlebury community can rest assured that they will see the Ross Rhino’s grotesque final moments next fall during Family Weekend.”

Several seniors took issue with the decision to reschedule since they will not be returning in the fall.

“Losing senior week and graduation, having to abruptly say goodbye to every single one of my friends in three days, entering the job market at the start of a brutal recession—yeah, all those things suck, but this one might hurt the most,” said John Dinkle ‘19.75.

“What I think we all wanted was to gather one last time as a class to witness the decapitation and then come together as a class to beat him like a piñata with Gamaliel Painter’s Cane,” he added.

Despite the delays, administrators still plan to mount the Rhino’s head in the Political Science department, in order to keep all of Middlebury’s antique relics in one centralized location.

 

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