Board of Trustees Deems The Local Noodle “Too Big to Fail,” Will Finance Future Operations

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The Local Noodle’s court-appointed lawyer persuaded Middlebury’s Board of Trustees that the organization had nowhere to go but up.

After yesterday’s emergency meeting to discuss the Covid-19 outbreak and its impact on the immediate future of Middlebury, the Board of Trustees has unanimously voted to make the survival of the Local Noodle a primary objective for the coming months. The decision was announced yesterday afternoon after a particularly convincing presentation by Noodle staff and followed thousands of requests from the student body to take action to reinvigorate Middlebury’s now crippled journalism scene.

 

Baishakhi Taylor, the Vice President for Student Affairs and Dean of Students, announced the decision over email.

“Though The Local Noodle has racked up an obscene amount of debt in the previous months due to printing costs and what they refer to as ‘vibe sessions,” wrote Taylor, “the Board of Trustees has determined that the paper has become too deeply intertwined with Middlebury’s comedic and journalistic sectors. As we see it, if the paper were to go under and stop publishing in these trying times, the ramifications for Middlebury would be disastrous.”

The move makes the Local Noodle the third school organization to receive aid from the Board this month, joining the Middlebury Consulting Group and the Log Rolling club. Both clubs  were thousands of dollars in debt due to bad investments in the now closed Ben Franklin Dollar Store and a massive order of rare Amazonian lumber from the heart of Brazil, respectively.

The Board’s decision translates to the eradication of all previous debts held by the Noodle, which equates to a hundred thousand dollar buyout, and a blank check for future financial operations.

“The financial support should allow the paper to continue to publish if Middlebury students are indeed forced to learn remotely,” said one anonymous Board member. “Hopefully they write an article about how, despite the campus closure, someone is still peeing in the Atwater elevator.”

 

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