This past Thursday, tour guide Kent Schpicalokansky ‘21 was brutally obliterated after being struck by a 128-wheeler while walking backwards across College Street.
Kent was in the middle of giving a tour of the school when the truck, headed for the Middlebury Co-Op to deliver Kombucha bottles, hit his body at a clean eighty miles per hour, sending his mangled body airborne across campus before landing at the foot of Warner Hall.
“Yeah, it was a pretty traumatic situation,” said touring prospective student Gardner Wayne. “But it might just be the perfect story to manipulate into a college application essay to compensate for my 2.3 GPA.”
Schpicalokansky’s friends, of course, are struggling to deal with their emotions in the face of such catastrophe.
“I can’t think of a worse way to go” says Schpicalokansky’s roommate Charles Turner ‘21. “Kent confided in me once that he thought the worst way to die would be to be hit by any automobile that could be considered ‘gargantuan’ while crossing College Street. I know for a fact that he even began every tour by saying ‘also, as a heads up, I’ll be walking backwards for most of the tour, so don’t be afraid to call my name out if you see a mechanical engine of death barreling toward me if it’s in my blind spot.”
A memorial for Schpicalokansky will be held in Mead Chapel tomorrow. He will be remembered fondly for his love of comparing all buildings at Middlebury to something in Harry Potter, as well as his mono-toned speech patterns. He was twenty years old, and one anonymous student who had walked by his tour group heard a friend calling out his name and wishing him “a happy birthday!”