Ross Dining Hall foiled students’ plans for pleasure once again this Friday when Middlebury couple Anna Ouss ‘21 and Bert Ferker ‘21.5 had to postpone their much-anticipated Valentine’s Day anal marathon due to complications from the BBQ beef brisket sandwich served today at lunch.
“Since Bert still has no idea how to pleasure me vaginally after two years of dating, we had been hoping to try anal for a few months now,” says Ouss. “But the brisket sandwiches put an end to my fantasy of sexual satisfaction, leaving me shit out of luck.”
“We thought Valentine’s Day was a perfect time to try,” Ferker said. “But it all went to crap, so to speak, after we ate lunch at Ross. We hated to ditch the idea, but we decided we could only rectify the situation by postponing the anal.”
When asked how the brisket was affecting their holiday plans, Marco Steyer ‘23, a self-identified “top-tier queer”, said: “It’s amazing how fickle these heteros can be! These people are scared about doing anal after a brisket sammy [sic], but these same straight dudes will cum in the same sock for months. Where do they draw the line?”
With their celebratory anal sesh canceled, Ouss and Ferker plan to spend their Valentine’s Day not achieving mutual orgasm.