Recently, the Middlebury Mountain Club announced its newest trip for spring break: a social-climbing workshop in Greenwich, Connecticut.
The club hopes to provide an educational and worthwhile experience to students who pay the $5,000 dues for the weekend getaway. Overall, the trip leaders are aiming to teach these students how to strike the perfect balance between an air of chilled-out apathy and feigned cheerfulness in their social life.
“We really have an extraordinary trip planned for these students,” said Liza Arms ‘20. “We want them to learn key skills for how to conform to the crunchy lifestyle, like how to pretend that you don’t have a trust fund, how to ‘enjoy’ winter-camping, and determining exactly how many piercings and fleeces will kill off your loathed high school identity.”
The workshop has drawn many attendees from their successful climbing wall nights, attracting students who are similarly interested in being part of an exclusive group of white kids who pretend that outdoor activities aren’t overwhelmingly expensive.
For the master routes, climbers will focus on perfecting their pseudo-activism. “We want to teach them to properly gate-keep and subtly scold their peers so they can obtain delicious, outdoorsy clout” said Cendit Hardwick ‘22.
Students that excel in this introductory workshop will receive a secret invitation to the second workshop in Lyon, France.