Administration Places Bulk Order for Neck Braces in Preparation for Charles Murray’s Return

Neck Brace

Initial reports suggest the administration also ordered several stop signs, but they were reclassified as “oversize” packages

The majority of Middlebury students are outraged after receiving a campus-wide email announcing the return of Charles Murray on March 31st. After ruining Middlebury’s reputation as an institution and traumatizing its students, the school decided to remind white men yet again that their success is genetic and that they’re special just like Daddy always told them.

This news comes with reports that the SGA Finance Committee discovered a receipt from Old Chapel with a charge for 1000 extra-padded, heavy-duty, rock-proof neck braces engraved with “the strength of the hills is His also.”

“We don’t want to let any so-called ‘safety concerns’ stop us from some good old front page press this time, so we decided to prepare ourselves,” said Dean of Security, Sterling Lepot, who views the speech as an exciting opportunity to showcase the school’s new protest policy.

These neck braces will serve as powerful imagery to accompany the inevitable Wall Street Journal op-eds that professors will write chastising their students for having a basic understanding of what the ‘pseudo’ in pseudoscience means.

Given the hot-button nature of this issue, these neck braces are a wise investment for the institution, as they have ample resale value to other campuses. For example, professors can use these neck braces while completing two-year stints at the Center for Evading Responsibility at Harvard.


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