Earlier this week, the Center for Careers and Internships became fed up with so-called “unemployable” seniors and began handing out “It’s the American fucking Dream” embossed bootstraps. This new strategy, fully funded by the Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy Foundation, advises seniors to find a job themselves instead of relying on Handshake to do it for them, and generates 20-minute windows for seniors to get their feet reviewed and approved for the customizable straps.
Paul N. Ureselvup, the director of the program and LinkedIn portrait photographer, feels the bootstraps will help graduates feel more like the working class. “We’ve noticed that students have trouble understanding their place in the office world after they finish paying $280,000 to study dead languages and find ways to complain about food they didn’t cook and suites they don’t clean.”
“I spent 15 minutes on FootShake and Handjob before I started crying,” said Skye Whetherford ‘20. “The recommended jobs for dance majors are literally all animal reiki internships just outside Oklahoma City. I cannot bring myself to do that, not after how hard I’ve worked these past four years.”
The bootstrap program is projected to shut up 80 percent of seniors who feel they can’t get a job anywhere, even back home in Westchester. And if it doesn’t, Astrology Career Advisor Emily Worth explains, “It doesn’t matter what you major in. Everyone’s unemployable in this economy, especially given that Mercury is still in retrograde.”
Employers across the country have expressed to the CCI that Middlebury graduates lack “good old holy Calvinist ideals” and “any concrete skills.” In response to this feedback, all CCI advisors watched the success-story documentary of CEO of Wonderbread, titled, “If You’ve Got Bootstraps And You Know How To Use ‘Em, You’ll Be Fine.” Advisors then pitched the Bootstrap Program to the Finance Department with their Powerpoint “Got Bootstraps? Then Pull Yourselves Up Already”, and were granted a generous fund to pay for high-quality leather and local embroiderers.
Time will tell if the bootstraps help seniors find employment; if the history of the United States is an example, though, as long as Daddy can put you in touch with his college roommate, you can still spend your senior year complaining about the job market before falling back on a steady career in yacht insurance.