Students Enjoying Annual Reminder that Everything Beautiful Will Die

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Students began to realize this week that like the trees, everything is either dead or dying.

With both leaves and temperatures dropping this week, students are enjoying Mother Nature’s annual autumnal reminder that everything beautiful will die.

“It finally hit me that the fall trees aren’t just pretty—they’re also slowly dying in a final requiem of colorful decay. Just like me!” said Sally Naheelis ‘20.  

Many students have reported grappling with fall-induced questions such as ‘Why doesn’t he love me?,’ ‘Why should I be studying in this capitalist hell-nightmare?,’ and ‘What the fuck am I doing with my life?’

According to Dean of Student Life Frederick Peacha, “the fall season has finally killed all remnants of optimism that came as a result of sunshine, daylight, warmth, and happiness.” 

However, students have employed various creative coping mechanisms to deal with these existential challenges. Kerry Dread ‘22.5 says, “After the steps I’ve taken, I’d definitely consider myself a happier person. My favorite is yelling ‘self-care’ as I do poppers, playing on my old Webkinz account for 3 hours, and then going to bed at 7 pm, promising myself that I’ll ‘get up early and do all my work.’ Very helpful.”

Other popular coping mechanisms include trying to get yourself to cry, getting a new tattoo you will never tell your parents about, and going on a “long bender” that is probably just a concerning lifestyle now. 

“What’s been really helpful to me have been the counselors here at the college,” said Iso Phine ‘21. “I mean, sure, they are overbooked to the point where my next appointment is in a year and a half…but that’s normal and ok! Everything is okay. Everything is fine.”

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