In a surprise development late last night, Middlebury administrators announced that the decades-old Commons systems will be replaced with a House of Lords.
“We realize that, much like the British government, the Commons system has only served to further confuse our community over the years,” said Vice President for Student Affairs Gavina Williamson.
“In that spirit, we will be replacing the lowly Commons system with the far more elitist and exclusive House of Lords.”
In an interview, Williamson conceded that the change is not as radical as it may initially seem: “The House of Lords is partially hereditary, but since every white person whose parents went here always gets in anyways, we’re not changing much, just codifying that a bit.”
“In order to make college life easier to navigate we’re also changing some of our TLAs. Like making CRD to AD, to BYOB, to BDE, as determined by the HWWLTOTBCIMV, but almost nothing else about them is changing,” he added.
Some students expressed concern over the new changes, citing their love for the Ross rhino and a fully representative government.
“Since day one, I have been a Ross Rhino. They can’t take that away from me,” said Terry May ‘20 through heavy tears. “Separate from that, I am also deeply opposed to a pseudo-democratic form of residential life in which many of the dorm room assignments are based on birth rather than merit.”
College president Horus Johnson could not be reached for comment, but several students have reported seeing a shaggy old man shouting about leaving the NESCAC on the steps of Old Chapel.