With flu season right around the corner, Parton Health Center announced that for one week, and one week only, they would be handing out two shots for the price of one.
“Pull up your sleeves. Grab all the boys. It’s flu season baby,” said Nurse Jubilee Joy.
This policy saw students who were desperately in search of a pregame, any pregame, flood into the building and replace its 2000s acoustic hits radio with “bangers only.”
Due to high demand, staff began to take liberties with administering the shots. Sources on the scene reported that at one point there was a trash can filled with fruit punch, antiseptic alcohol, and 1000 ccs of a trivalent, activated flu virus.
“It tasted like shit but it got me super fucked up,” shuddered Richard Decoupage ‘23 as he vomited outside and then, after careful consideration, decided to pee on one of the building’s pillars and rip off its entrance sign.
“I saw three boys crack open needles, pour the vaccines into a shotski and just slam it back,” said nurse Harry Wynne. “I had to stop a group of them from trying to refill their Juul pods with the vaccine. Someone asked me if they could freeze it, crush it, and snort it up their nose. I mean I love drugs as much as the next male nurse, but Jesus.”
Despite many more people getting vaccinated than in previous years, Parton staff felt unable to keep up with the demand and has reverted to their previous policy of telling sick people, “it’s Darwin baby,” before slamming the door in their face.