Satan Sees His Shadow, Announces 37 More Weeks of Midterms

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At midnight on October 1st, Lucifer, king of hellfire and Ross Dining Hall lunch lines, arose from the fiery depths to stand in front of Mead Chapel and decree that he had seen his shadow. For Middlebury students, this meant 37 more weeks of midterms. 

“According to the moon cycles, this was supposed to happen last year,” exclaimed astrology major Thelma Ponderson, class of 2020. 

The administration shared that because of The Devil’s announcement, professors will now have to assign midterms for another 37 weeks. The new policy’s implications on student-life are still unclear. 

A member of the class of 2023 who wished to remain anonymous appeared unfazed by the change. “You all merely adopted the dark. I was born in it. Molded by it. I didn’t see the light until I was already a man.” 

“If the college wants to protect my security, let’s not focus on cameras or a stricter swipe system. Let’s not invite the fucking devil to campus” proposed another student that shared worry over The Devil being able to extend the midterm exam period. “It just seems irresponsible,” shared Allie Martin ‘22, after realizing that she will be spending 37 weeks deep inside JStor, squatting in a rogue Senior’s thesis carol.  

Some students, like computer science major Taylor Lautner ‘20, did not seem to mind this change in curricula. “It doesn’t bother me, my midterms are usually just me going over to my professor’s house to say ‘beep-boop beep-bee-beep boop’. You know, like a computer. So yeah, I’m not that worried about this.”

For newcomers to Middlebury, this has been quite alarming. A nearby group of sophomores who listened to The Devil’s declaration reportedly started to laugh, cry, then fall asleep, only to wake up and begin crying again.

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