YouPower Launches iPower: “Live for 45 Minutes as a Super Hot Blonde”

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In keeping with its mission of empowering everybody to live their best life, YouPower has launched a virtual reality experience called iPower, which simulates 45 minutes of living as a super hot blonde.

This benevolent plan came to spin instructor Helen Otroy ’21 during a particularly grueling sprint through “Nice for What.”

“I started to realize that no matter how many times I shouted at my initiates about reaching their dreams, they would never truly be happy because they simply were not hot blondes,” she said. 

In a heart-warming story of existential-crisis-turned-business-success, Middlebury’s coven of spin instructors asked the MakerSpace nerds next door if they could borrow their VR Headsets for a bit. This allowed them to generate the iPower simulation, where for 45 minutes you’re funnier, more popular, and, “like, nerdy, but in a low-key way that’s kinda hot.”

“It was the best 45 minutes of my life” said Avery J. Oh ’22. “In the simulation I didn’t have to lift a finger. No, really, doors were opened for me, the CTLR wrote my mid-term––I even got invited to a secret frat Dolci where a former Abercrombie model spoon-fed me cheese.”

YouPower high priestess Jenny Taylor ‘20 noted, “We still encourage attendance at our traditional classes because they’re good for you or whatever, but I think students have realized that if they really want to feel good about themselves, it’s much easier to just strap on a VR headset and be hot for a while.”  

The group has hinted that a VR update is in the works that would grant users a false but convincingly realistic sense of superiority.

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