Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local Noodle, demand that the administration respond substantively to our demands, at the peril of our dissolution and the campus-wide chaos that would ensue. Administration must submit a point-by-point plan to us within the next two hours, or face the wrath of our inaction.
- Dissolve The Campus.
- More wasps outside Proctor.
- A 30% increase of meat in the dining halls.
- A 40% reduction of vegans.
- More uncontested senators claiming they speak for the student body.
- Mandatory bias training for all people who talk loudly about Game of Thrones spoilers.
- Allocation of funding for the Senior Leadership Group’s summer beach house.
- Earlier spring and shorter winter.
- Make my boyfriend find my clit.
- Ban free speech.
- Impeach Donald Trump.
- Stop Brexit.
- No more students from Connecticut.
- A 100 foot bronze statue of Rand Paul on Battell Beach.
- Extra guac.
- Cede all lands north of College Street to the Quidditch Team.
- Reconstruction of the ROTC offices so the students have something to burn down again.
- Prom?
- The strength of the hills is SGA’s also.
- More pastels.
- Community Heelies.
- Defund the Noodle.
- Lock her up!
- Honorary degree for Ariana Grande in recognition of her work deconstructing hegemonic systems.
- Fill the holes.
“If you don’t want us, we won’t be here!”