Our Demands

Whereas we, the Local Noodle, have been ignored by the administration, the student body, and my friend Jessie’s dog for the last three years; whereas the only recourse remaining is either armed revolution or quiet submission; whereas we are the sole, unitary, authoritative voice of the student body: be it resolved that we, the Local Noodle, demand that the administration respond substantively to our demands, at the peril of our dissolution and the campus-wide chaos that would ensue. Administration must submit a point-by-point plan to us within the next two hours, or face the wrath of our inaction.


  1. Dissolve The Campus.
  2. More wasps outside Proctor.
  3. A 30% increase of meat in the dining halls.
  4. A 40% reduction of vegans.
  5. More uncontested senators claiming they speak for the student body.
  6. Mandatory bias training for all people who talk loudly about Game of Thrones spoilers.
  7. Allocation of funding for the Senior Leadership Group’s summer beach house.
  8. Earlier spring and shorter winter.
  9. Make my boyfriend find my clit.
  10. Ban free speech.
  11. Impeach Donald Trump.
  12. Stop Brexit.
  13. No more students from Connecticut.
  14. A 100 foot bronze statue of Rand Paul on Battell Beach.
  15. Extra guac.
  16. Cede all lands north of College Street to the Quidditch Team.
  17. Reconstruction of the ROTC offices so the students have something to burn down again.
  18. Prom?
  19. The strength of the hills is SGA’s also.
  20. More pastels.
  21. Community Heelies.
  22. Defund the Noodle.
  23. Lock her up!
  24. Honorary degree for Ariana Grande in recognition of her work deconstructing hegemonic systems.
  25. Fill the holes.

“If you don’t want us, we won’t be here!”

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