College Cancels Jesus’ Resurrection Due to Safety Concerns


Jesus’ opinions have previously put him at odds with the Hebrew Department.

In a school wide email disseminated early Sunday morning, Middlebury College administrators announced their decision to cancel the resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Mr. Christ, 33, is a highly controversial Arab rabbi known primarily for the best-selling book series inspired by his spiritual wanderings in and around the Middle East. In a surprising turn of events, Christ accepted the invitation of Middlebury’s Religion Department to give a talk on campus over Easter weekend.

However, the event did not take place. In the email, Alexandra Pilate, Vice Dean of Student Affairs, cited safety concerns as the reason that Christ would not return to the school this year.

“While Middlebury as an institution is committed to freedom of speech and religion, we worry that Christ’s followers, who have demonstrated a historic proclivity for violence in his name, will overwhelm the college’s capacity to maintain order. As such, we have decided to cancel the resurrection this year.”

When asked directly for comment, Pilate reiterated the school’s position but expressed concern that Old Chapel would “get crucified” in the Middlebury Memes for Crunchy Teens facebook meme page.

Many students found the administration’s decision frustrating.

“I was looking forward to this,” commented Luke Matthews, ‘21, “My family are big fans of Mr. Christ’s, and the chance to hear him speak at Middlebury would have been incredible.”

“I was looking forward to showing him around campus,” added Magdalene Johnson, ‘22, “and also, his ability to turn water into wine would save me a trip to Bevco.”

Other students reported that in addition to Christ’s talk, they were excited to see him perform a stripped down version of “Our God is an Awesome God” in the Gamut Room after a last supper in Atwater Dining Hall. Ultimately, most students were just hopeful that Christ would bring good news to campus, a welcome change of pace from other recent events.

“This is disappointing,” remarked Christ. “But at the end of the day, I’m the son of God, so the fifth-ranked liberal arts college is pretty much the least of my concerns.”

It seems that the turmoil is far from over. The Religion Department, upset with the abrupt cancellation of the event, has already begun a crusade for Christ’s Second Coming in the fall.


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