Admissions Scandal Finally Explains Lacrosse Team’s Abysmal Performance

Lacrosse

The 2019 Men’s Lacrosse Team Photo, as seen on Middlebury’s athletic website.

After several years of unlucky performance from the men’s lacrosse team, students have started chalking up its abysmal performance in the NESCAC to a combinations of beers and concussions. However, in light of the recent college admissions scandal, the players are now under review to determine whether they know how to play lacrosse at all.

Upon further investigation, it was revealed that despite 80% of the Middlebury student body having played lacrosse in high school, not a single student on the Middlebury lacrosse roster has any experience with the sport.

“This is totally fake news,” said Captain Jake Wilkinson ’19. “I’ve played lacrosse since before I was born. I just love to head to the ice with my racquet and score some hoops. Go Bears!”

The Middlebury Admissions department is reeling from the news, receiving upwards of 400 calls a day from parents asking for their money back for the libraries they promised the school. Within the FBI’s files, The Noodle investigative team also found a trove of other shocking bribes, including an 8-uddered cow, a 10,000-gallon supply of maple syrup, and a million dollars in cash.

The exposé, though helpful in clarifying the team’s performance, has left many parents and admissions staff wishing for “the good ole days,” when spending hundreds of thousands of dollars on donations, boarding school tuitions, private music lessons, and tutors was enough.

The FBI declined to comment on how many NESCAC schools are implicated in the scandal. However, it appears that the organization must extend to other schools, after the lacrosse team’s match against Williams this weekend consisted of three kids dressed up like “The Cross” in Jesus Christ Superstar. It appears the school is headed towards a long investigation, and an even longer season.

 

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