“I Only Go to Proc,” Says Lone Senior Missing 100 Days


Jordan, glad he took a stand.

Loyal to his four-year stand against Ross, Jordan Gray ’19 found himself eating alone in Proctor this Saturday night as the rest of his class celebrated 100 Days in the beloved dining hall.

Though Jordan claimed his ‘FOMO’ was “totally eclipsed” by the pleasures of availability in the booth room and no lines at the panini press, he was spotted having to read Catcher in the Rye to entertain himself during the meal.

“I mean, I live in the townhouses, so I just don’t feel the need to make the long hard trek over there, you know?” Jordan offered as an unprompted defense of his decision.

He also added, with the fiery glint of satire in his eyes, that he was unsure if he would have been able to find his way home from Ross without getting lost in the complex.

Jordan further expounded on this pithy critique of the dining hall by bitingly comparing the space to an airplane hangar. After this wisecrack he looked around hopefully for laughter from his friends—laughter which, unfortunately, never came, as they were all enjoying their two free drinks at the highly anticipated semi-formal event.

When gently asked again if he was okay, after a single tear was spotted trailing down his cheek, Jordan replied, “No dude, I’m seriously living it up. The only downside is that Proc Lady keeps yelling at me for drinking in here (hiccup).”


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