Patton Eliminates Bill Burger, Last Challenge to the Throne


The deposition was live-streamed in Axinn after the crowds shouting “WE WANT BURGER!” filled Wilson Hall and spilled into Ross.

President Patton surprised campus last week by announcing her successful deposition of the only remaining competitor with a claim to Middlebury’s presidency: Bill of House Burger.

Burger, known to his friend as the Warden of Old Chapel, had allegedly been locked in a power struggle with the Empress Patton for months. His demise comes after several years of fending off attacks on his title, including the notorious incident wherein he heroically escaped an angry horde of “outside influencers” and “disruptors” with only a few dents in his car.

Sources close to Burger confirm he had recently grown more paranoid at the Patton regime after she dissolved the Senior Leadership Group with acid. His panic grew at reports that his administrative colleague Dave Donahue was last seen chased across the Knoll by a large white hound, and, he “began to really lose his shit” when, in cruelty previously unbeknownst to Middlebury’s campus, Head of Admissions Greg Buckles was relocated to New Jersey.

Though the whereabouts of almighty Vice-President for Communications Burger are currently unknown, some critics have called attention to the extremely lifelike ice statue that was on display in winter carnival. Campus authorities, however, like the student body, had no idea what Burger looked like, and thus were unable to look into the claims.

House Burger has responded to this disappearance with an olive branch, inviting Laurie Patton to a nice wedding at their place next weekend. They have defended this decision by reciting the House Burger motto: “Family, Duty, Fuck Free Speech.”

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