Eco-Fascist Trustees Thrust Radical Energy Plan Upon Unwilling Student Body

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The small but passionate student group Invest Middlebury celebrated the Board’s internally motivated action outside of Old Chapel.

This Tuesday morning, President Laurie Patton took to the floor of Wilson Hall to announce the implementation of Energy2028, a new approach to sustainable energy consumption at the college, which the Board of Trustees swiftly advanced despite heavy opposition from the Middlebury student body.

The plan, which Trustees have vigorously advocated from within, has been met with resounding disapproval from the student body, who reject the plan’s over-zealous ambition and scope, as well as its unilateral nature.

When asked if he supported the broad outline of the plan, Trevor Perlisheen ‘21, a member for the student group Divest Middlebury, said, “It’s an okay idea, but I just think they’re moving a little too quickly. This really accelerates the timeline we had been working towards during our Sunday night meetings.

“I feel like a slow, incremental response is necessary for a problem as complex as climate change.”

In response, Trustee Michel Tromblé released a statement that, while he appreciates Divest’s perspective, “The Board simply cannot keep waiting for students to catch up with our radical vision for Middlebury. When our future is at stake, not only as an institution but as a planet, we are sometimes forced to take initiative.

“That’s why, without any intense student pressure over the last seven years or the threat of bad PR hanging over our heads, we have decided to not drag our feet like we were stuck in wet cement, and instead, swiftly and unbeaurocratically solve this pressing issue.”

Given the Board’s unilateral decision-making and refusal to budge over student concerns, Divest is reportedly in talks with the Koch brothers in an attempt to reverse this “totally radical, impulsive, and irresponsible move.”

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